Mini Me
I've been leading a double life. It's time for me to come clean.
For some time now I've had two blogs: a public blog and a secret blog. The one identified me, the other didn't. One was known to only a few friends, the other was posted on our church website.
I'm tired of living an edited life. It's just too much trouble trying to post on one site and edit it (or omit) on the other. So, with a fair amount of trepidation, I've decided to have one blog, warts and all, for anyone to see.
If you're reading this blog as a guest to our church website (www.sanctuarytoday.com), I welcome you and ask you to extend me a little grace. Most of what I write is manifestly innoccuous. A few things might raise an eyebrow, depending on where you're coming from. Please don't think that what I write is meant to be the "official church position" on each subject. It's just likely a bad case of indigestion on my part.
Some of you will think my fears are misplaced. I hope you're right, but I doubt it. I've been around the Christian block enough times to know what the boundaries are. In the event you're unclear, let me offer you a few samples....
On moral issues: Give answers, don't ask questions. Black and white is good; shades of grey are bad; rainbow is unacceptable. Tell people what to think; don't teach them how to think. Reduce scriptural teaching to principles and propositions.
On personal issues: Conceal your failures, don't reveal them. Don't let them know you're human with real problems, questions, doubts, sins. Promote honesty, but don't model it.
On church issues: Church success is measured by bodies, buildings and bucks. Be successful, aspire to be, or pretend to be.
On political issues: Refuse to question the Republican party. Be passionate about the rights of unborn children and curiously quiet about the rights of impoverished children. Be prolife and prodeath (penalty) all at once. Need I go on?
While squarely within what is commonly known as "conservative evangelical Christianity," I've never been comfortable endorsing all its trappings and assumptions. For the most part I've kept these concerns to myself. Some of my motives are good: I do not want to erect unnecessary blocks to the gospel. I've always wanted to die on that cross, not the cross of social action or other worthy causes. In addition, taking my cue from Ivan Karamazov, I've been cautious about unnecessarily confusing people who might mistake a question for a command.
But there's another side to my reticence: worrying too much about what others think. Honestly, while I privately rail against "crusty christianity" I never shake the boat too much. I tell myself that I'm looking out for the gospel and respectful of the immaturity of others -- but am I just a wimp? Afraid to take a hit? If people knew I sometimes surfed the seedier side of the internet, would they string me up? If they knew that I wonder why "Christian" politics always favors middle class white America, would they leave the church? If they saw my family warts would they stop respecting me? And on....
On the one hand, this blog has given me an outlet to express creative thoughts about life and critical concerns about Christianity without agenda or fear of reprisal. It's been rewarding to feed some of my creative juices. It's been a relief and a pleasure to get some of my thoughts out of my head and into cyberspace. I've thoroughly enjoyed myself: I think I'm hooked. When I write I feel, in the words of Eric Liddell in Chariot's of Fire, "the pleasure of God."
But it's become a guilty pleasure. For how can I honestly promote authenticity in our church while concealing this more reflective side of myself? How can I expect to offer grace to others while not trusting them to extend it to me? How can I claim to teach the scriptures while minimizing some of its less popular implications? How can I model thinking outside the box when I stay inside it all the time?
The truth is, I can't. I need to come clean. It's time for Mini Me to come out of the closet. I just hope he doesn't get squished.
(If this paragraph is still here, Mini Me's still in hiding.)
posted by Steve Gilbertson at 9:33 PM
1 Comments:
Hey, I really appreciate your honesty. I believe that authenticity is the only way to salvation, and I worry that the 'church' has put such a premium on pastors that they can no longer breath.
I grew up in a culture where the pastor was untouchable. He was an icon in the community, and he couldn't have an impure thought. He was the type of man who always paused before he spoke, as if to create an expectation of brilliance. I don't think he did it intentionally, but my perception of him growing up was just that, he was perfect, all I could ever hope to be as a person. He knew the Bible, spoke clearly, and always knew the right thing to do.
Here's the problem, I never felt comfortable around him. He was my pastor for 20 years and I couldn't have a conversation with him. All of my troubles seemed silly. Even little sins that were such a burden to me seemed too trivial to discuss with him. Why couldn't I just get over that hurdle and stop sinning? I don't know. And I couldn't ask him.
That 'modern' view of Christianity is now falling apart. The 'emerging' church is wrestling with this same topic. How can we be more authentic as Christians? I think you've taken the best first step. Be who you are, and let God handle the fall-out. In the end, we can't save people, we can only introduce them to the Saviour. We are all imperfect people. And guess what? God loves you unconditionally. There's really nothing you can do to earn His love, just as there's nothing you can do to un-earn His love. As always, deal with sin in your life, but don't cover the bad stuff out of fear.
Keep fighting the good fight -
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